Did you see that news story this week, about the woman who ended up with an ASBO because she was disturbing the neighbours with her screams during sex? It seems to happen all the time and, of course, it gets reported all the time. How could the tabloids resist a story like that? But I had to laugh. I laughed because I recognised the problem. I like to sleep with the windows open and a skilful lover who knows how to use me can reduce me to an incoherent banshee, howling profanities like a Twitter troll. And I laughed because the problem is so easily fixed. Get a gag, dear! I invested in one recently. It’s not my first but this one is lovely with a breathable ball to drown out the screams and soft, suede and leather fixings. I love it. I love it because of what it signifies: restraint, surrender, trust. I love it because it means I’m giving permission for naughtiness. It means I’m ready to be forced to do all the things I already want to do and I’m promising not to say “No”. And I love it because I look so damn good in it! I bought it as a surprise for a very special friend who understands how to make me scream and, boy, it worked. As soon as I put it on he had to have me right there and then – even though he was heading out to work. Bad boy! There is one tiny thing. I like to ride (I mean horses, you naughty, naughty people!) and if anybody from Ann Summers is reading this, I’d like to recommend a bit of a design change. Could you, please, add bit guards , like I have on my horse’s snaffle bit? It would help prevent pinching at the corner of my soft and pretty mouth. Thanks.
Anyway, gags are good in the bedroom – but not so good in newspapers. For years our media has been plagued with so-called super injunctions. These court-backed gagging orders are so strict that they not only prevent news organisations from reporting on the issues and the personalities involved, they even prevent any mention of the fact that the gagging order exists! Of course, the most spectacular gagging order own goal came from the footballer Ryan Giggs who, quite understandably, didn’t want the world to know that he had an eight year affair with his brother’s wife. But he forgot that the gag he secured from the English courts did not apply in Scotland any more than it applies in Spain or Vietnam. Oh dear. Of course these gag orders don’t apply in Ireland either, which is something that the Guido Fawkes website – his servers are based in the Republic – has exploited on several occasions. If it hadn’t been for Lord Stoneham using his Parliamentary privilege in the House of Lords, we would never have heard about the super injunction obtained by Fred Godwin – the man who drove RBS off a cliff and took the UK economy with it. As Lord Stoneham said: “the alleged relationship between Sir Fred Goodwin and a senior colleague, if true, would be a serious breach of corporate governance and not even the Financial Services Authority would be allowed to know about it.” Jeremy Clarkson, who sucked millions from the BBC licence payer before he was exposed as a violent bully who beat up a junior colleague, had a couple of super injunctions before he gave up. Admitting they are “pointless” he said “You take out an injunction against somebody or some organisation and immediately news of that injunction and the people involved and the story behind the injunction is in a legal-free world on Twitter and the Internet.” Back in the thirties, everybody in America knew that our King Edward was having an affair with Mrs Simpson but our papers decided to be gentlemanly about it and shut up like Clarkson said, now that we have instant, global communication it’s pointless but, do you really think our newspapers are no longer gentlemanly? You think they won’t shut up? Don’t kid yourself. Weeks ago a Labour MSP sent lawyers letters to editors all over Scotland warning them not to publish a police document about concerns over his relationship with a woman. And they haven’t. Now that the sex pest frenzy is gripping Holyrood we’ll see how long that lasts – but remember where you heard it first.